Do Not Disturb

I went away with my BFF Amy over Columbus Day weekend.  We stayed at a chain hotel called La Quinta, which was really nice and really cheap (and even cheaper if you have a Sam's Club membership).  Free Wi-Fi, indoor pool and hot tub, free breakfast spread, and the best Do Not Disturb signs I have ever seen in my life:

 

 

 

 

 

Do Not Disturb, No Molesting!

Now, I took 7 years of French in Jr High and High School, and I grew up and now live in areas that are predominantly Portuguese, so I never learned Spanish.  So when I first saw this, my twisted mind read

Do Not Disturb

I'm Being Molested

(and I like it!)

Then I realized it said 

Do Not Disturb

Do Not Molest Me*

and as a friend of mine said, "Well, that's no fun."

I almost brought it home with me, I mean, it was too damn funny not to have.  But seeing as how it sat in the key-card lock on the door, and didn't actually hang on the doorknob, and I didn't currently have a key-card lock on any of my doors at home, I figured I'd leave it behind for the next occupant to enjoy as much as I had.  (Although I did price out installing a key-card lock on my apartment door before I left the hotel, and, much to my disappointment, found that while they only cost about $100, my landlord was going to charge me an extra $1,000 for ruining the original-to-the-house antique door.  Not quite worth it to me.) 

*Yes, I am aware that No Moleste is Spanish for Do Not Disturb.  But thanks for telling me anyways, in case I really was that dumb. ;)

Innuendo

You cannot take me anywhere.  Case in point:

Went to the grocery store this afternoon.  When I was checking out, the cashier was a very cute guy named Andrew who I had seen and talked with a little before.  He was helping me bag my groceries, and he asked is he could put my eggs in a separate bag.

My reply: You can do anything you like with my eggs.

As soon as I said it, I realized what it sounded like.  The woman behind me started laughing and I paused.  Andrew blushed, and put his head down on the counter, laughing.   Then  I had to swipe my card three times because both him and I were so flustered that we kept hitting the wrong button when trying to chose what type of card it was.  

I swear, if I had been trying to flirt with him, I wouldn't have ever thought to say that.  Ahhh, at least I'm amusing.

Stage 4 Clinger

A few days ago a guy emailed me through my online profile and we began chatting.  Seems nice, he's cute, so far so good.  We haven't met yet, and we haven't had any really long phone conversations.  we've talked enough to decide we want to meet, which we are planning on doing this upcoming week.

Today, when he was at work, I got a text from him that gave me a hint of the heebie-geebies.  It was along the lines of Things are slow here.  Ok, not heebie-geebie-ish on it's own.  It was the last sentence that did it: Miss you.

Sweet? Yes.

Flattering?  You betcha.

Premature Affectuation?  YES!

When I read that the little man in my head pulled the alarm and suddenly the red lights were flashing, the sirens were blaring, and that always-calm British computer voice was repeating 

Attention! 

Stage 4 Clinger!  

Repeat: We have a Stage 4 Clinger!

I mean, what exactly does he miss about me?  My texts?  My stuffy nose voice on the phone (damn seasonal allergies)?  Or does he just like the idea of missing me?  You know, like when people are in love with the idea of being in love but not so much in love with the person they are in love with the idea of being in love with.  Shut up, it did too make sense.

I love to tease my Mom and my sister because both my father and my brother-in-law said "I love you" on the second date, and both my Mom and my sister kind of rolled their eyes and laughed nervously at them.  But they both ended up marrying them, too.  Could this be karmic retribution?  Or is my love life just this much of a joke to the gods?

Whatever it is, I'd love to believe there is something magickal about me that this guy honestly does miss after barely knowing me.  I might even let myself pretend it's true, at least, until the heebie-geebies attack again.

My point is, that while I'm searching for someone to miss me when we're not together, it makes me nervous and gives me a heebie-geebie attack when that happens before we've even met.

Shamed

I know, I know, I know.

It's been almost a month since I posted.

I am shamed.

I will be back soon, my bitches!

The Few, The Proud, The Marine

Last night I got a fucking awesome phone call.  It was The Marine, and he was with some of his friends.  I guess he had told them about this blog and showed it to them, and they didn't believe he was The Marine.  So he called me so I could verify it for them.  Ha!  I'm sure it's because there's nothing negative about him on here, but it cracks me up that not only was he bragging about being The Marine, but that when his friends didn't believe him, he felt the need to call me at 2 in the morning so I could confirm it.

When I first started this blog, and yes, let's be honest, the accompanying book that's been in the back of my mind for months now, I was torn between using real first names and nicknames.  For some of the douche-fucks I met, I really wanted to use full names, and also supply emails and phone numbers.  But that whole pesky possibility for a slander lawsuit got in the way, so the fucktards simply remained fucktards.  And for the good ones (and yes, I'll admit, there have been very few good ones over the last year), I thought why not use their real first names?  After all, if some guy was going to praise me in his blog, I'd want my real name in it so I could brag show everyone how kickass I was.  But maybe some of these guys wouldn't want their exploits, well, exploited (yeah, I know, dumb thought), so I went with nicknames.

Besides, reading about The Marine, Johnny Softcakes, and The Grim Reaper is a lot more interesting than reading about Joe, Bob, and Steve (no, those are not their real names, either).

But I obviously failed to take into consideration one very important factor - the male ego. Particularly, it seems, the male ego of a 20 year old who is being publicly declared as the best sex I've ever had.  So, this is for you, my proud Marine Sex-Machine:

The Marine's real name is Andy.  He has 2 tats (one on his shoulder one across his clavicles) and a scar at the top of his sternum.  He can be crazy and sadistic and fucked-up in the head, but when he lets his guard down, he can be a like a big teddy bear (offer him a back rub and I swear he purrs like a lion).  And yes, he really is the best sex I've ever had.

Zombie-Love

Been hiding away tying to recoop and get some energy back.  That hospital stay took a lot more out of me than I thought.  Add to that my daily fatigue from MS, and some crap-tastic personal stuff I'm dealing with, and I just don't want to come out of my bed and blanket cave.

But I've been reading my favorite blogs, and they've been making me laugh and feel better, so I want to return the favor.  To get your Halloween juices flowing (only 42 days left!!), here's one of my favorite videos.  And yes, I have been infected with Zombie-Love.  I'll have to show you my matching Zombie shoes and wallet sometime! :)  Until then, enjoy and shake your ass off to a little Zombie Woo-ing. xoxo

Lyrics

Yesterday's Gone

by Angels Fall

Yesterday's gone and tomorrow is almost here,
and I don't want to leave you here.
The candels burned down
and melted everywhere,
what a mess we've made here.

I watch her as she sleep
silently she dreams
as I run my hands through her hair.
I think, how did we come to this
I think I found it by the way we kissed.
Should I let go or should I stay?

Where do we go from here?

Why do I need you near?

What if I was to say 

I never felt this way?

Shes layin in my bed
as the sun kisses her skin
I feel the warmth deep within.
I wish tomorrow never came
cuz I'll do it all again
just the same every day.

I think how did we come to this.
I think found it by the way we kissed.
Should I let go or should I stay?

Where do we go from here?
Why do I need you near?
What if I was to say
I never felt this way?
I never felt this way.

Can I keep holdin on to you
or should I let go and fade away?
Can I keep holdin on to you?
or should let go and fade away?

Yesterday's gone and tomorrow is almost here,

and I don't want to leave you here.

Where do we go from here?
Why do I need you near?
What if I was to say
I never felt this way?