Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Back. The Fuck. Up. (part 2)

The following is a scene from the biographical movie of my life, working title: Back. The Fuck. Up.


Haylah is sitting on the bed in her black lace nightie, towel drying hair.  Johnny Softcakes walks in, still naked, from the kitchen with a beer.

JOHNNY SOFTCAKES: So you'll get the morning after pill tomorrow.

HAYLAH [tensely]: Yes.

JOHNNY SOFTCAKES: OK. Good.  And, look, I don't think this is gonna work with us.

Haylah stops moving and slowly looks up at him.


JOHNNY SOFTCAKES: I just don't think we're sexually compatible, you know? I mean, that was a workout, and it took a long time. I like you, and I'm just being honest. I think you're cool and I want to be your friend, but we're just not sexually compatible, ok?

Haylah, too stunned to speak, just gets up and begins getting dressed. Not sexually compatible? He couldn't have told me that before he fucked me for two hours?



JOHNNY SOFTCAKES: Are you sure? You seem mad.

HAYLAH: No, I'm not mad. Just...disappointed.

(Because, sadly, despite the sexual incompatibility, Haylah had actually really started to like Johnny Softcakes.)

JOHNNY SOFTCAKES: Then what are you doing?

HAYLAH: Packing my stuff so I can go home.

JOHNNY SOFTCAKES: You don't have to go home. You can stay.

HAYLAH: I don't want to stay.

JOHNNY SOFTCAKES: I was only being honest. You don't have to leave. It's late. You can still stay. I still want to be your friend. We're just not -

HAYLAH: I know, sexually compatible.

JOHNNY SOFTCAKES: So you gonna stay?

HAYLAH: No, I think I'm gonna go home.

JOHNNY SOFTCAKES: Well, if you're sure, but you don't have to.

HAYLAH: I'm sure.

JOHNNY SOFTCAKES: Ok, well, as long as you know you don't have to leave, and as long as you're not mad.  But if you do go home, it's cuz it's you choice, ok? I'm not making you leave, or even asking you to leave.  You can stay. We can hang out and watch a movie or just go to sleep. I still want to hang out with you. You're a cool girl. I just don't think the sex is going to work. But as long as you know I'm not asking you to leave in the middle of the night. I wouldn't do that. I wasn't trying to hurt you, I was just being honest with you. And if you go, it's your choice, I want you to know that. I want to make sure you know I'm not kicking you out in the middle of the night, and make sure you're not mad. If you want to go, you can go, I won't stop you. But before you go, can you help me make the bed?

HAYLAH: .....[open mouthed stare].....

And then, in a Zombie-daze, stunned into silence for the first time in 33-years, Haylah actually helped make the bed.

EDITOR BFF KELLY: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.  Back. The Fuck. Up.  He asked you to help make the bed before you left?!


  1. Wow. Yes, you definitely need to write a book. That is excellent fuckery right there. At least he didn't ask you to go make him a sandwich first! What a weasel.

  2. Johnny can go suck a bag o' dicks! What an ass-hat! Pfft. . .you're too good for that shit.

  3. Johnny Softcakes needs to be Johnny Nocakes for that one.