Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Hard Day to Be Alone

Today was a rough day for me. 

Went to hang out with a friend, The Rock Star, today.  We're Friends with Benefits, only today the benefits didn't seem to be working for him.  Or rather, my benefits weren't working for him.  And believe me I tried.  For over an hour.  Then, after a break, for another hour.  You'd think being with a guy who had a permanent hard-on and who didn't cum after hours of working it would be a good thing.  It's not.

One of my very close friends went into labor ad gave birth to a beautiful little boy.  I am so happy and excited for her, but I'd be lying if I said it didn't make my heart ache a little.  I was at the hospital visiting my friend, and I was holding her newborn son in my arms. While I was falling in love with this amazing little bundle of baby, I was working to keep the tears out of my eyes.  Holding him just drove home how very far away I am from having that in my own life.  I've always wanted kids, but due to a medical issue, I don't know if I should or even could have them.  With every day that passes, I feel that possibility slipping further and further away.

I managed to make it home safely, without crying, driving too fast and blaring Nightwish on my IPod (nothing like a little death metal to numb you up).  I just wanted to come home so I could be sad in my own place, get it all out, and feel better.  But when I got home, I felt worse.  I unlocked the door, and walked into a dark, silent apartment.  Since my ex moved out in November, I've relished living alone.  But tonight all it did was remind me that I'm ALONE.  Nobody to come home to.  Nobody to call up and ask to come over.  Nobody to curl into and share my sadness with. 

Feeling worse than I did when I left the hospital, I went online to check my email.  I had a notice saying I had a new message at the dating website I used.  I read it out and quickly deleted it (Sorry Mr. 53 year old, I already have a Daddy.)  I was about to sign out when I noticed something I wish I hadn't.  A guy I've been talking to via text, The Dark One, had deleted his profile about 3 weeks ago.  When I asked why he told me something had happened and he thought he was done trying to meet someone new.  Not going to get into it all, but he has put off meeting me in person for a whole bunch of (retarded) reasons.  Told me he didn't know if I was ever going to meet him in person.  Too bad, cuz I have a huge crush on him.  But today his profile is back up, and he's looking again.  It's not that he doesn't want to meet someone, he just doesn't want to meet me.  Nothing like a stab of personal rejection to round out a perfect day, huh?

So, in case you weren't keeping track, today kicked my ass in the following ways:
  • Felt inadequate as a lover
  • Got to hold a gorgeous newborn in my arms, then give him back as I realized I am further away from that dream than ever before
  • Came home to an empty house and was reminded I don't even have the comfort of a significant other
  • Got confirmation that I was, in fact, being personally rejected by the guy I was crushing on
I can't wait til today is over.


  1. Girl, cheer up! Let me tell you, I have a significant other, and there are still days when I look at children and realize how far away I am, and I can never make him get off - ever. (We've been together almost a year and I can count on one hand how many times he's gotten off from me.) If you ever want to bitch and talk, I'm here. :)

  2. Thanks, Stephanie! Maybe we should compare notes; there has to be something wrong with them both ;)

  3. Guys tend to suck in all the wrong ways somehow. How did we ever let them take over the planet??