Friday, August 26, 2011

It was a sex accident*

Originally written and intended for posting on August 20th, until I realized my posting capabilities were cut severely short by the heart monitor and oxygen tanks around me...

In the last 2 days I have been bumped and poked, pricked and dicked. I have had fluids sucked out of me, and four times as many fluids pumped back in. I'm exhausted, my back hurts, my throat is raw, and if I have to get up to pee one more time with my ass hanging out in this freezing cold room, I might just start peeing where I lay. This is NOT what I paid for.

No, my sex-obsessed, perverted** friends, I am not having the best sex-cation of my life. I'm not on a wet and wild S&M cruise (do they have those? Note to self...). No, no, nothing fun like that. I am in the hospital.  Why?  Because I'm fucking OLD and at 33 tonsillitis isn't something that can be cured with an unlimited supply ice cream.

It's the morning of Day 3, and I do mean motherfucking morning, as the sun rise has shown (shone? shined? shinned? shine-ded? Shut up, I'm on liqwuid crack) right into my itty bitty eyeballs and woken me the fuck up. About 45 minutes after I felt asleep, which only came when the nurses found a way to quiet down Betty in the next room. Seems she thought she WAS on a sex cruise, and was not please with the idea of her soiled johnny being removed and replaced with a clean one before dialysis.
So forgive me for not having something more exciting to post about, or in fact, anything long to post about since I'm doing this whole post via my cell phone on silent under the blankets like a kid with a lingerie catalogue and a flashlight trying not to get caught. But as soon as I'm outta here, or you know, something good happens, I'll let you know.

'Til then, bitches...xoxo

*OK, it wasn't a sex accident, but would you have looked twice if the title said 'Betty pooped herself again'? Oh, ok, good to know for next time.

**You know that's why I love you...

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