Wednesday, August 31, 2011

He's Just Not That Into You...Yet?

Hello, my name is Haylah, and I’m a clinger.

[chorus of Hello, Haylah.]

I’d like to share my story with you, not just because I like to talk, but because I’m hoping to get some feedback, maybe some insight, or at least an opinion that isn’t the jumbled on I’ve had on repeat for the last 2 and a half months.

A couple years ago that book and movie, He’s Just Not That Into You came out.  I read the book, saw the movie, and I hated to admit it, but it made sense.  There’s one message that kept being repeated over and over, and it’s stuck with me: 

If a guy is interested, he’ll call; If he’s not interested, he won’t call.

For those of you who refuse to hear this, let me repeat:  IF A GUY IS INTERESTED, HE’LL CALL; IF HE’S NOT INTERESTED, HE WON’T FUCKING CALL!

A guy isn’t going to sit back and let someone he likes walk away or slip into the clutches of another for any reason.  Men are competitive by nature.  They like the chase.  They more than like it; they crave it.  When they see something (or someone) they want, nothing will stop them from trying to get it.  So if he isn’t calling, if he isn’t chasing you, he just isn’t that interested.

Now, this  does not mean that it’s your fault, fuck no.  Obviously that guy is a loser who needs to get over his issues and realize you are a god damn diamond!  But really, it doesn’t matter if he ever realizes it or not, because you are (or should be) long gone by then.


Yet, there are those of us who cling.  We cling to the idea that maybe he’s not calling because of some external factor that has nothing to do with us.  Like his job.  Or his family.  Or his wife.  No, no, no, scratch that last one.  The point is, the clingers among us need to realize that even if, yes, EVEN IF, he’s interested but not calling because of work pressures or exhaustion from waking up with his wife every two hours to feed the newborn, he’s no good for us!  

Repeat, please: NO GOOD FOR US!

[chorus of No good for us!]

We need, we want, we deserve a guy who has the time and the desire to call us.   I know, easier said than done.  Easier said than waiting for.  Easier when you don’t have the muddled thought that I keep having:

What about when he does call, but not in the way you expected?

No, I’m not talking about the Booty Call (“Booty, Booty, Where are you?”).  I mean the call where you talk, casually, as friends.  Hey, what’s up, how’s it going, how was your day, etc.  You’d say, ok, so he wants to be friends.  But, fuck, there’s so much more to it.

  • Met on a dating website
  • Started talking, getting to know each other, see if there could be anything there
  • Interest in each other, talk about meeting, then he pulls away
  • Comes back with an iron will not to meet because he’s “bad for you and you’re nice and [he’s] not and [he’ll] only hurt you so it’s for your own good”
  • Continue with intense conversations re: relationships, past struggles, how you’re both fucked up in the head, fears
  • Definite interest in you as a friend, sometimes seems like more, but then he pulls away, yet he continues to maintain friendship and initiate contact

So at this point, I ask, What the Fuck?  Is this a case of he’s only interested as a friend and I should accept it as that and forget about anything more?  Or is it a case of he’s not interested in (or ready for) more than friends yet?  Should I let things develop in their own time (by the way, I so do not have patience), or should I push a little more for the friendship to develop, like to us meeting and grabbing a drink (in friendship only)?

How long do you wait to see if a friendship can turn into more?  How many weeks does that little word, yet, allow you to cling before you become pathetic?  By no means am I saying you (or I) should put life on hold waiting for a yet that may never happen or stop looking for someone because of this one guy, but let's admit it: when you make a connection, no matter how small, you can't keep yourself from wanting to see if it can grow to more.  True, yet can be nothing but a shit word to keep you hanging on for too long, but sometimes shit can be the best fertilizer.


  1. Oh girl, I deal with this so often. There is no magic answer, every situation has to be taken on it's own.

    Although I do like the goddamn diamond comment. I am totally going to use this blog post tomorrow :)

  2. The answer is simple and shitty. If a dude wants to fuck you, he wants to fuck you right away. The "let's see what happens" bullshit is simply that. Bullshit.

    I'm not saying it can't ever turn into more, but sometimes you find out there's much more to it than you ever knew. I had a guy friend who I was blatantly, desperately into for a very long time. And he was blatantly NOT into me. He told me that I wasn't his type. He was one of the few guys who can directly say to a girl "I'm sorry but I'm not into you" and we actually were seriously good friends so he didn't want it to mess up our friendship because he knew I had feelings for him. As it would turn out, 10 years later it seems he is now into guys... soo.. yeah I guess I made it about me the whole time- what I couldn't look like or whatever and as it turns out, mostly it was just that I don't have a penis. So there's that.

    I'm like you in the way that I just want to know the dude likes me. It doesn't even really matter if I don't like him. And I ended up with a bunch of assholes, my husband included, because I felt the need to prove to myself that he wanted me. So yeah... I mean, think about whether or not you really like these guys. Because if you look at it from an outsider's perspective and take your feelings out of the equation, you will probably realize they are mostly douche bags.

  3. Ok, you don't know me at all, but you asked, so here is my world tested advice . . .

    Guys who are not ready to commit to anything still do this dickish thing of trying to keep someone that is obviously interested hanging on so that they have, shall we say, a back up option. He's not into you, but he doesn't want to completely cut you off just in case he needs an option. This guy's behavior sounds like he is one of these dickish types. Now, I may be wrong and there may be some other issues, but I have to say that you deserve someone who really wants you and hanging onto a "yet" as you say just seems destructive. I know it is easier said than done when you have feelings for someone and they sometimes maybe sort of kind of seem to be interested, but it is better to just let it go. Move on. If you want to be friends, fine, but you have to convince yourself that that is all it is and drop any emotional attachment. Once again, I know, easier said . . .

    Whatever you do though, good luck. And try to protect your heart if possible. Hard to do, but you are worth it (god, now I sound like some shite L'oreal commercial. Sorry about that!).

  4. smarties are right.

    But he's so cute. And he has loooong black hair...And he's a musician, guitar and vocals, in a metal band. Blue eyes. *sigh* So hot...